tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post6322759580740177208..comments2023-10-31T04:16:04.331-05:00Comments on Feed Me!: The girl at the mallHarriethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09774535311853591028noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-64312193303877645802008-07-01T16:39:00.000-05:002008-07-01T16:39:00.000-05:00I think you did the right thing. Many years ago, ...I think you did the right thing. Many years ago, when I was 14, in the grip of anorexia, and terrified but powerless to do anything to stop myself, I was saved by a stranger who lived near us who expressed concern at my appearance to my mother, who hadn't noticed just how thin I was because she saw me every day so the change was less obvious. My mother took me to the doctor the next week and I was referred to an ED specialist. I credit that stranger with saving my life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-49694066790831963002008-06-30T00:56:00.000-05:002008-06-30T00:56:00.000-05:00It's good that you care about other people but I a...It's good that you care about other people but I also wanted to point out that something else could have been going on. You don't know the whole situation. Maybe the girl had cancer or some other problem or maybe she's just a late bloomer who's naturally skinny. When I was a healthy non eating-disordered 12 yr old, I was 5 feet 2 inches and my weight was in the 70s. And yes, I mean POUNDS, not kilos. I kid you not. I was eating totally normally and did NOT have an ED back then. <BR/><BR/>Ironically, I'm now a "normal" looking young adult who purges my food out the wazoo and I am far from healthy. When I was healthy people were asking if I was anorexic. Now I have an ED and everyone thinks I'm normal. Go figure. <BR/><BR/>If the girl is naturally skinny it would just be annoying to have random people assume she's anorexic. Or worse, if she had another health problem like cancer, it could be really hurtful and embarrassing. <BR/><BR/>But despite my criticism, I still think you did the right thing. If you were wrong the worst possible outcome is the mother feeling embarrassed or hurt by someone who doesn't know her situation. Plus, if her kid is suffering from cancer or some other health problem, feeling insulted or hurt by an ignorant lady at the mall is going to be the least of her worries anyway. <BR/><BR/>BUT, if you were RIGHT, then the consequences of NOT saying anything would have been MUCH worse. <BR/><BR/>At the same time, I want to emphasize that you can't judge a book by its cover. There are plenty of "normal" looking people who need help too. Who knows? That emaciated looking girl might fill out and get some curves a few years later. And that normal looking girl you see at the mall might drop dead of a heart attack 10 years later from years of forced vomiting and laxative abuse. You just never know...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-50965956695633557332008-06-29T22:46:00.000-05:002008-06-29T22:46:00.000-05:00We don't know if this girl has an ED or not, and r...We don't know if this girl has an ED or not, and really, it's not our business. As a mother, I would NOT have appreciated someone diagnosing my daughter in 30 seconds.briehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11495165592860741098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-53865445662005361142008-06-29T11:25:00.000-05:002008-06-29T11:25:00.000-05:00I agree with what you did. Both my sister and I we...I agree with what you did. <BR/><BR/>Both my sister and I were naturally very skinny, and my mother asked our doctors to look into whether we had eating disorders because she was worried. Neither of us had eating disorders, but in retrospect I am glad my mom was worried enough to get it looked in to. If she had been approached in a store, she probably would have said something like "thanks. I was worried too, but they're OK."<BR/><BR/>It's something I've been wondering about myself recently. As someone who has watched some good friends struggle with anorexia compounded with the horrors of some bad college counseling centers, I wonder if I should say something to my wonderful, smart, and beautiful camper who is a junior in high school. She was hospitalized with Anorexia in her sophomore year of school, and seems to be healthy now, but I don't know. The school she says is her first choice and where she wants to apply is a place that was totally unhelpful with my friend who is still struggling. I want to let her, or her family know how hard my friend had it and how unhelpful the counseling system is, but I don't know if I should say anything. She seems healthy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-60152530751351112482008-06-27T21:23:00.000-05:002008-06-27T21:23:00.000-05:00To anonymous (not those who have already posted he...To anonymous (not those who have already posted here):<BR/><BR/>I am not posting your rude comment. You know why.Harriethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09774535311853591028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-1510876706216167942008-06-27T15:30:00.000-05:002008-06-27T15:30:00.000-05:00One of my "otha mothas" (women who helped raise me...One of my "otha mothas" (women who helped raise me up) was/is famous for saying<BR/>"Is it True? Is it Necessary?" "Is it Kind?". <BR/>The three doors your words should be able to pass through before leaving your lips.<BR/>You saw something that was concerning, so it passes the first.<BR/>You knew that if your concerns were valid, that mom was facing a life-threatinging illness in her child, so it passes the second.<BR/>And it sounds as if your delivery was gentle, private, and helpful, so it passes the second.<BR/>Even if you were mistaken, you were not out of bounds, and if you were not mistaken, you may have helped that family so much.<BR/>Rock on...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-80361586671531521932008-06-26T21:34:00.000-05:002008-06-26T21:34:00.000-05:00When my d was at her absolute worst (having gone f...When my d was at her absolute worst (having gone from a very healthy 75 pounds to a bone baring 56)I was desperate for friends and family to AT LEAST NOTICE and say something...only one friend of my mother's said something. After I told people of her ED they would say, "oh yeah I noticed the weight loss." Most people commented on how slim and beautiful she looked...yikes. She was a freekin' skeleton! <BR/><BR/>H, you did what you felt was right -- if you were wrong, you come across as misdirected busy body. If you were right, you may have saved a life.Ari J. Brattkushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17681530389495339122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-70634727456371057662008-06-26T16:18:00.000-05:002008-06-26T16:18:00.000-05:00BTW, that's supposed to be refractory epilepsy up ...BTW, that's <I>supposed</I> to be refractory epilepsy up there, not retractable. Ooops, my bad. I had a "topa-moment". Sorry about that. ;>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-14748796667942897782008-06-26T12:51:00.000-05:002008-06-26T12:51:00.000-05:00Personally, I'm 34 years old 5'7" and can fit in c...Personally, I'm 34 years old 5'7" and can fit in childrens size 10/12 clothing. I also wear <B>two</B> medicalerts because I have retractable epilepsy, hashimoto's, pernicious anemia and chronic pain. If I had a nickel for every time someone made a comment about me having anorexia, then I'd be very rich.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-9849994934489811272008-06-26T10:24:00.000-05:002008-06-26T10:24:00.000-05:00Thanks for your perspective, Emmy's mom. I think o...Thanks for your perspective, Emmy's mom. I think of it as a kind of cost-benefit analysis. The cost of not speaking up versus the risk of speaking up. Since the risk is only to me--i.e., people think I'm a busybody or nutcase--I'm willing to take it.<BR/><BR/>Just this morning another mom I spoke to out of the blue called to say thank you for saying something. I guess it can go either way.Harriethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09774535311853591028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-65344283067408376962008-06-26T09:39:00.000-05:002008-06-26T09:39:00.000-05:00Dear Harriet - so thoughtful and caring of you. Y...Dear Harriet - so thoughtful and caring of you. Your heart went out to these people and it’s beautiful that you wanted to help. As Mom's we want to help everyone because we've been there when we didn't see the signs and if we can stop 1 person from this horrible disease then we’ll do anything.<BR/><BR/>A very wise and beautiful person who is recovering admirably said these words to me when I wanted to help someone without being asked. She said, "You have no idea what's going on in someone else’s life, you can only know your own experiences and your experiences may have nothing to do with what that person needs or wants." Stepping in and offering advice when it isn't asked for is truly meant to be caring and thoughtful, however if someone isn't ready to listen then it can be very overwhelming and intrusive.<BR/><BR/>This very wise person who said this to me is my daughter who is recovering from anorexia and depression. I want to save the world because I don't want to see another beautiful girl in pain the way my daughter was. But my daughter helps me to put that in perspective by taking care of herself with all the ups and downs that go with that. She helps so many others by her expression of art and writings. It's there for those who want to see it and it heals her to create. The best I can do for her is to allow her to heal and live her life without my interference. I “share” her life with her now instead of living it for her. (it took me years to learn this one and i'm still working on it. :)<BR/><BR/>We have to help ourselves first and by doing so we help others. When the student is willing to learn, the teacher will appear.<BR/><BR/>Hugs, Emmy's Mom.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-15320859741964000172008-06-26T09:09:00.000-05:002008-06-26T09:09:00.000-05:00Right now that mother probably thinks you're crazy...Right now that mother probably thinks you're crazy, and maybe a little rude. She's thinking "how dare she presume to know anything about my daughter". But next week, she might notice when her daughter just pushes the food around and doesn't actually eat it. She might question why her little girl "just isn't hungry" all the time. I do think you did the right thing. It was the right thing. (and I do think that pointing out signs of anorexia to someone are different than telling someone 'your fat is unhealtheeee!' It wasn't just that the girl was skinny, it was that combined with other factors)<BR/><BR/>--ksfeministAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-28552775746181494432008-06-26T08:33:00.000-05:002008-06-26T08:33:00.000-05:00Hal, not shame on her family... for all you know s...Hal, not shame on her family... for all you know she could have started a month ago, she could be hiding food. <BR/><BR/>I've struggled with (a still active) eating disorder for 8 years. Up until Friday evening my mother had no idea. No one had any idea. Not even my therapist... I've been trying to self treat for 8 years.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-77463204127578559822008-06-26T08:29:00.000-05:002008-06-26T08:29:00.000-05:00You can tell the difference between a "naturally t...You can tell the difference between a "naturally thin" child and an anorexic. I know --I have one. She has always been slender and it runs in the family on her dads side. And Harriet you are right about it happening gradually and the dependable personality--describes her to the "T". We are in active treatment--she is slowly getting better.Mrs. Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14956055334542294275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-87652494670551373372008-06-26T07:55:00.000-05:002008-06-26T07:55:00.000-05:00Was it so much the size as the dress the girl want...Was it so much the size as the dress the girl wanted? Were there larger sizes available that would fit her better?<BR/><BR/>It's always difficult to approach someone uninvited with talk about eating disorders. There's a woman I work with whom I secretly suspect has an eating disorder. She always talks about food and calories, even though she's very, very thin. I never see her eat lunch; she goes to our company gym at lunchtime. Once someone offered her a cupcake and when she refused it, they pressed the offer. She was near mortified and said it would put her over her calorie allotment for the day.<BR/><BR/>I wanted to say something so badly to this woman, but I was never sure to how approach her, especially since our relationship is an ongoing one because we work together. She's pregnant now and I can only hope she's eating better for both her and her baby's sake.<BR/><BR/>This woman might think your crazy; after all, I think many parents are in denial about their child's eating disorder initially. But maybe she will be more highly attuned to and looking for signs of an ED now that you've planted the seed.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06442545891223505489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-90531451948655601062008-06-26T07:53:00.000-05:002008-06-26T07:53:00.000-05:00Harriet, that's exactly what I was thinking- it's ...Harriet, that's exactly what I was thinking- it's not so much her thinness as it seems her deep desire to be a smaller size, at so young. There are lots of scrappy, skinny kids...but that desire is worrisome.<BR/><BR/>You absolutely did the right thing. I've not had experience with an e.d., but I'm working on gently getting others into F.A. By the same means-- a gentle introduction, and let it lie for the time being. Their heads might explode.<BR/><BR/>I am really, really happy you intervened. I think the bunko 'privacy bubble' shit that society has created is overrated- you may have seriously helped this family.<BR/><BR/>*hug*The Zaftig Thespianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04764018195159706828noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-40023762277991548902008-06-26T07:35:00.000-05:002008-06-26T07:35:00.000-05:00Harriet, I think you did exactly the right thing. ...Harriet, I think you did exactly the right thing. I hope I would have had the courage to do the same.<BR/><BR/>A few comments have pointed out that when you're dealing with the lives of strangers, you might be way off base - but I think you addressed that in the way you broached the subject. You did it in a tentative, 'I have a theory' way, and you did it only to the mother, not the girl.<BR/><BR/>Also, don't read too much into the mother's reaction. Even if you were right, your thoughts might not register with her for quite some time - but if you were right, you speaking up will be an important part of the tide that will help her accept their situation and to cope with it. <BR/><BR/>I salute your bravery, ma'am! You opened yourself up to the possibility of being publicly wrong or of being disliked - two very unpleasant feelings - for the sake of a stranger. Kudos!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-26557852223573643332008-06-26T07:10:00.000-05:002008-06-26T07:10:00.000-05:00But would you have been longing to fit into a chil...But would you have been longing to fit into a child's size 7?Harriethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09774535311853591028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-64133322457103923162008-06-26T07:08:00.000-05:002008-06-26T07:08:00.000-05:00ummm...when I was 12 I was a very thin child - was...ummm...when I was 12 I was a very thin child - was not anorexic, definitely ate well, just moved constantly and was a very late bloomer. At 12, I would have been mortified if someone had pointed it out in such a way...it's just the way I was then.<BR/>Not now of course - am an extremely health size 14!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-78197359715080501142008-06-26T06:48:00.000-05:002008-06-26T06:48:00.000-05:00Children's 7. Way too small for *my* 12-year-old, ...Children's 7. Way too small for *my* 12-year-old, who is not fat.Harriethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09774535311853591028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-26348028295055019392008-06-26T04:13:00.000-05:002008-06-26T04:13:00.000-05:00CJ, I see where you're coming from, but there is a...CJ, I see where you're coming from, but there is a crucial difference. I don't think any fat person has ever died from their FAT. No death certificate anywhere has "FAT" as the cause of death on it.<BR/><BR/>But anorexia? Kills. That's a fact, not a blown-out-of-proportion myth.<BR/><BR/>And yeah, maybe Harriet was wrong. Maybe there's nothing wrong with this girl. But I have to honestly say, if I were in her position, I probably would have done the same thing.<BR/><BR/>I'd much rather make myself look like an ass than let something like that go. Because what if she's RIGHT?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-27762370772592426092008-06-26T04:12:00.000-05:002008-06-26T04:12:00.000-05:00Good on you for speaking up, you've planted the se...Good on you for speaking up, you've planted the seed for the mother to look, it's up to her now.<BR/><BR/>We all now how hard it is for people close to us to realise what is happening, it often takes someone or something on the outside to show them if their daughter, sister, spouse, brother best friend is hurting. <BR/><BR/>We shouldn't be ashamed to speak up if we're concerned about another person even if we don't know them.<BR/><BR/>VxVickyAnnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02441940384579516923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-8364929156874901882008-06-26T01:01:00.000-05:002008-06-26T01:01:00.000-05:00You're so brave, Harriet, and compassionate.But it...You're so brave, Harriet, and compassionate.<BR/><BR/>But it will be up to the mother and I agree with hal's thought that this will take more than one comment. Denial is a long, long river on which people will sail with fortified barges. When I was at the peak of my experience with anorexia, a concerned teacher spoke with my parents. They went into denial, insisted that nothing was wrong, and maintained that denial ever since. I had to work it out on my own.<BR/><BR/>So bless you for caring so much about your daughter and for all who struggle with EDs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-31496472891373159072008-06-26T00:42:00.000-05:002008-06-26T00:42:00.000-05:00Was this a girls size 7, or a juniors size 7? I c...Was this a girls size 7, or a juniors size 7? I can remember wearing about a size 7 in seventh grade, but that was in juniors, and I was definitely chubby. I know the sizes are different now, but am I right to assume you meant girls size? Or was it juniors and she was imagining herself a larger size than she actually was?<BR/><BR/>In any case, if you saw signs other than just the girl's weight (which of course could be congenital or due to some other kind of illness) that she was exhibiting some of the same signs of anorexia as your daughter, you were very courageous to speak up about it. Anorexia nervosa is not "obesity." It is far more immediately dangerous.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30178203.post-88246726763167730682008-06-26T00:07:00.000-05:002008-06-26T00:07:00.000-05:00Are we talking about a juniors size 7 or a kids si...Are we talking about a juniors size 7 or a kids size 7? I get confused about sizes. All through high school I work between a juniors size 3 and a juniors size 5. I was skinny, but not anorexic looking.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com